Controversy arose today after Olympic officials declared hockey player Amanda Kessel too attractive to not have cheated. The bombastic claim garnered attention globally, having many asking why this was only brought to the attention of the public after the 2018 Winter Olympics had concluded. Amanda Kessel is now a gold medalist Olympian who contributed to USA Women’s Hockey victory. At 26 years old, she is one of the few athletes to earn a gold medal in the Olympics and also have a brother named Phil Kessel who looks eternally drunk. Amanda’s brother Phil Kessel is a Pittsburgh Penguin, a fan favorite among the city and those that recognize the memeability of his image. So it was understandable that he responded to these claims with anger. “Bruh hahaha I’m so lit right now.” shouted Phil Kessel. When asked if he was celebrating Amanda’s victory he gave us a look that questioned our intelligence.
For Olympic official Luo-Yong he sees the controversy as threatening the sanctity of the Olympic games. “We take the integrity of the games very seriously. We have determined that she is fine as hell. I mean dear GOD baby girl is beautiful I am lost in her pretty smile. It isn’t fair that she is an accomplished athlete at the same time. She has to be doing something wrong!”
(translated by Bing)
Amanda herself finds the controversy insulting. “I’ve worked so hard and they have the nerve to say I cheated? Why is a discussion on my looks even on the table? This is hockey! How do you cheat, by winking at the refs? Makes no sense.” yelled Amanda Kessel. She strictly denied any wrongdoing “I’ve never cheated!” (she winked and we instantly believed her).
It looks as if this “controversy” is nothing more than a clickbait topic. We’ll let our readers decide if a topic from an obvious satire news site that can’t even figure out how to get the text font consistently the same is legitimate. Only time will tell.