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For many years, Pittsburghers could not escape the footprint left by classic chain restaurants such as Hoss’s Steak and Seafood, King’s Family Restaurant, and Ponderosa Steakhouse.

Like the large dinosaurs that once roamed the Earth, their extension is a grim reality.

Their meteor is not traveling in space, its already on the planet.

The culprit? Millennials!

They want their childhood favorites back, as evidenced by petitions to bring back Rocko’s Modern Life, Surge Soda, and Mulan themed¬†Szechuan teriyaki McDonald’s McNugget sauce.

As much as Millennials are bringing back, they are taking away.

What they are taking away are established cultural mainstays.

“These kids don’t want a classic burger and a Frownie,” said the Ghost of Hartley King.

King’s ghost was unaware that the Frownie was discontinued after the restaurants were sold in 2015.

This leaves older generations traveling longer distances to get to their favorite restaurants or eating Olive Garden five days a week.

A small amount of the older population is adventuring to new chains such as Buffalo Wild Wings, while fewer pop into unique eateries, as evidenced by one star Yelp reviews calling the food “too spicy”.

This past March, King’s closed five restaurants in the area. Previously a Hoss’s location in Moon and a Ponderosa in Uniontown closed in January and February of 2013.

Hoss’s and Ponderosa each operate 3 locations within the region, while King’s has 30 restaurants.

Millennials seem to be more into more the convenience of Sheetz or the customization of Burgatory.


King tearfully added, “Chi-Chi’s was the lucky one, because Millennials would have killed them too,”