Breaking: Le’Veon Bell officially leaving the Steelers

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Le’Veon Bell has just stated that he is no longer set to return as a Steeler next season. This abrupt news comes as a shock. Bell later said in a statement “Happy Easter and April Fool’s Day ya’ll.”

As more information becomes available we will continue to update this story.

Cleveland Browns v Pittsburgh Steelers

PITTSBURGH, PA – DECEMBER 29: Running back Le’Veon Bell #26 of the Pittsburgh Steelers looks on from the field after a game against the Cleveland Browns at Heinz Field on December 29, 2013 in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. The Steelers defeated the Browns 20-7. (Photo by George Gojkovich/Getty Images)

 

Le’Veon Bell Outraged He Only Gets Paid More Than Any Other Running Back in the NFL

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Cleveland Browns v Pittsburgh Steelers

Running back Le’Veon Bell #26 contemplates retiring to work at Dairy Queen

Steelers used the franchise tag on Le’Veon Bell again. He will get 14.544 million dollars next season. Le’Veon is disappointed to hear the news as this only means he will be paid more than any other running back in the NFL.

Le’Veon was spotted crying outside of his recording studio as he took a break from working on his mixtape in light of the news. He later took to twitter to express his disappointment.

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Bell tweets he’s unwanted by the Steelers after they clear cap space to offer him more money

Le’Veon Bell later threatened to sit out the first few games of the season and possibly the entire year depending on how he feels at the time. We aren’t even making that up for some satire, he actually said that.

Fans gave their thoughts about this very sensitive situation. “It’s not like there is anyone else on the team.” said Todd Larz. To fans like Todd Larz, they say they understand the nuances of the situation. “There is an unlimited amount of money the Steelers organization can pay him! It isn’t like they’d have to pay anyone else less to free up cap space. That isn’t how it works! Steelers could pay Le’Veon Bell 1 trillion dollars a game if they wanted to and that would be lowballing his value!” yelled Todd Larz.

Other fans also said it was disrespectful how the Steelers were treating Bell. “This is what disrespect looks like,” says Steeler fan Ray Jarvis. “All the kid wants is 1 billion dollars a second at minimum, I don’t know why they don’t give it to him.” To Ray Jarvis, he works 2 jobs to support his family of 3. His son has brain cancer. His insurance doesn’t pay for all of cost of treatment so Ray Jarvis has to make sure he makes enough per month or his son dies. “See I’m well off. I don’t have to complain about money. It could be a lot worse for us. I understand that I’m well off and I hate to see millionaire athletes not get paid those couple extra millions. They’re struggling and they need that money. That’s a lot to them. But for me a million dollars? Heh I make that every 20 years, that’s hardly any money. There’s plenty of other people like me that get off easy with working their entire lives to not even see a fraction of 14 million. Le’Veon Bell ends up with the difficult task of playing football and gets that in a year. He’s working harder than anyone else on the planet and he deserves time to vent about not getting paid as much as we would make in 5 lifetimes in a year.”

We did come across one fan that had a different perspective. Rashan Null said “We need to address our defense. It simply isn’t feasible to pay Bell what he’s asking for a long term deal when we need to make sure we fix our defense. Listen I love Bell but he needs to understand compromise. I think 14.544 million dollars is an excellent offer. Win some championships and he can make more than the millions he wants back through potential sponsors. He’d even be able to make bank off of being a superbowl champion after he retires. He’d be able to get paid for mere appearances at Steeler events for the rest of his life. But none of that is going to happen if he decides not to play.”  After these statements Rashan Null was later chased down by a group of one-hundred Bell fanboys and suffered injuries that sent him to the hospital. He is in critical condition.

It remains to be seen if Le’Veon Bell will sit out on the upcoming season. All is certain however that he will waste time in the studio rapping those struggle bars.

Thousands of Parents Relieved They Don’t Have to Pretend To Care About Their Kids After PPS Strike Averted

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Thousands of parents of PPS students are expressing relief that there will be no strike this Friday. Earlier in the week when it was still presumed that the strike would occur, many parents were overwhelmed with appearing as if they cared. “As a parent I couldn’t be happier that I don’t have to pretend that I care about whatever my son is doing.” said Tori-Lee McOpioid. “Now I’m just happy they are out of the house and can just skip and play hookie or whatever. Not my problem. I don’t even think he was going to school anyway Friday, he may have been suspended, probably would just skip anyway. Who knows?”

To parents like Tori-Lee, this information could not be delivered at a better time. The potential of the strike itself was already costly. It is estimated that PPS parents had to spend an outrageous 12 minutes on average with an acting coach to get them prepared for a believable performance of a worried parent. Many parents did not have the financial ability to prepare for this. “I just don’t have the funds for that.” said Debbi Dad. “See I’m worried about how much money I’ll have left to spend at the state store for my alcohol. I couldn’t afford getting an acting coach to pretend like I cared. Plus there was also the worry of appearing sober which is too much of an inconvenience for me.”

Word the strike was averted was met with celebration as it means at least another 8 hours that parents don’t have to see their children. Some parents were planning on attending meetings on strike information scheduled for Wednesday as this information was released Tuesday. Though most parents did not attend the event a group of fathers of Pittsburgh Westinghouse Academy students met in the PPS administration building for the event. During the meeting they were alerted that the board had reached an agreement with the teachers union. There was nothing but silence in the room, probably illustrating how shocked they were. They celebrated in silence. The turnout to this event was one of the highest in years according to PPS officials, where most years there are a negative number of parents present.

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Fathers of Pittsburgh Westinghouse Academy students (pictured above) meet in PPS administration building concerning news about averted strike.

Some parents weren’t even aware that there were talks of a strike even though local news media talked about it every 3 seconds. “I had no clue we were even considering striking. I think my daughter tried to talk to me or something about it. We got into a fistfight before she could explain. She should have remembered that I have hands. Won’t see her Friday though.” said teen mother Janisha White.

For now the strike is averted and parents won’t have to worry about pretending they care about their children.

White Girl in Pitt Shirt Spotted at Duquesne University

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2 Hot white girl at DuquesneDuquesne University is a close-knit college that anchors itself on school spirit. Blue and red, the school’s official colors, run deep in student attire. So it was understandable that the student community was devastated after seeing a white girl in a Pitt shirt.

“Whoa she’s a white girl in a Pitt Shirt!” Carl shouted. “I legitimately could not believe my eyes. This is something so disrespectful that you’d think it was fiction. The shirt is beige yellow and blue! I don’t know if I’m more offended or surprised!”

Many Duquesne students like Carl see their school spirit non-negotiable, leaving no room to wear any other clothing associated with another university. Doing so is seen not only as offensive, but also a clear attack against the student population. There is also the added complexity that the perpetrator of this act is a white girl, adding in a multitude of controversies. Kaitlin McGee claims that a white girl wearing a Pitt shirt in this space is problematic. “There are very few white girls at Duquesne University. Like I might see a white girl on campus once every 2 weeks. So it hurts when you see one with such self-hatred against Duquesne Students. She’s been conditioned by the Pittriarchy to hate herself and wear that Pitt shirt.” Kaitlin McGee, when asked if she’s okay with sharing a campus with a white girl who wears Pitt shirts said this, “I don’t have to be comfortable with it. If you are wearing a Pitt shirt you need to be called out on the fact that you are enabling crappy college sports teams, busted down desks, and professors that look like Doc from Back to the Future.”

 

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Unverified photo shows Duquesne students (left) in disgust as a white girl (right) wears Pitt shirt on campus.

Not every student feels like McGee however. We asked sophomore Khalil Johnson if it was a big deal to him. “Breh what are you talking about I see everybody in Pitt shirts. We be rooting for Pitt. Don’t know what you are talking about. And breh Duquesne is snowflake heaven. What you mean there’s no white girls? But who cares baby girl could wear whatever she want if she’s fine as that…” When asked why Khalil did not care about the blatant disrespect carried about by this specific student he remarked that there were other factors he considered important to the matter. “It’s not that big of a deal for me. Some of our Duquesne gear isn’t that great. Like they only got like 2xl size up here what a 6’9″ dude like me look like trying that on? I mean in this case baby girl wasn’t tall but still she got something. If she was out here in a Pitt shirt but them titties were still nice? Then on nephs I don’t care.”

 

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Khalil (right) in an obviously photoshopped ad for Duquesne University

Though there are many opinions on this dire situation what remains clear is this; The Duquesne Student body is united in these trying times.

 

 

2018 Winter Olympic Officials Accuse Amanda Kessel of Cheating, “She’s too attractive not to have cheated!”

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Controversy arose today after Olympic officials declared hockey player Amanda Kessel too attractive to not have cheated. The bombastic claim garnered attention globally, having many asking why this was only brought to the attention of the public after the 2018 Winter Olympics had concluded.  Amanda Kessel is now a gold medalist Olympian who contributed to USA Women’s Hockey victory. At 26 years old, she is one of the few athletes to earn a gold medal in the Olympics and also have a brother named Phil Kessel who looks eternally drunk. Amanda’s brother Phil Kessel is a Pittsburgh Penguin, a fan favorite among the city and those that recognize the memeability of his image. So it was understandable that he responded to these claims with anger. “Bruh hahaha I’m so lit right now.” shouted Phil Kessel. When asked if he was celebrating Amanda’s victory he gave us a look that questioned our intelligence.     

 

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Living meme Phil Kessel (left) noticeably intoxicated next to his abnormally attractive sister Amanda Kessel (right). I mean she is so cute it is insane.

For Olympic official Luo-Yong he sees the controversy as threatening the sanctity of the Olympic games. “We take the integrity of the games very seriously. We have determined that she is fine as hell. I mean dear GOD baby girl is beautiful I am lost in her pretty smile. It isn’t fair that she is an accomplished athlete at the same time. She has to be doing something wrong!” 
(translated by Bing) 

Amanda herself finds the controversy insulting. “I’ve worked so hard and they have the nerve to say I cheated? Why is a discussion on my looks even on the table? This is hockey! How do you cheat, by winking at the refs? Makes no sense.” yelled Amanda Kessel.  She strictly denied any wrongdoing “I’ve never cheated!” (she winked and we instantly believed her). 

It looks as if this “controversy” is nothing more than a clickbait topic. We’ll let our readers decide if a topic from an obvious satire news site that can’t even figure out how to get the text font consistently the same is legitimate. Only time will tell. 

 

 

 

SZA Responds to Le’Veon Bell’s Valentine Plea, “I’ll Only Date You if You’re Still A Steeler”

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Le’Veon Bell isn’t new to the rap and R&B world. Le’Veon bell has spent countless hours writing verses for his mixtapes and soundcloud releases. Countless soundcloud rappers have pretended that Bell’s music is good in hopes that the runningback/rapper will collaborate with them. Sometimes that even pays off, as Bell is willing to rap with anyone that pays him outrageous amounts of money to record a verse on their song. So it should come to no surprise that Bell would have a crush on SZA a rising figure of the modern Rap/R&B scene. Bell earlier this week has asked SZA to be his valentine by romantically telling a TMZ reporter that he liked ‘Caesar’. Bell with the thoughtful mispronunciation of her stage name, truly displayed his adoration for the singer in a touching plea. What did come as a surprise was how SZA responded to Bell’s advances. 

“Listen, if you aren’t a Steeler anymore I’m not dating you.” SZA said. Top Dawg Entertainment artist SZA has seen a newfound success this year. Her album Ctrl was critically acclaimed, and garnered the R&B singer widespread recognition. With this newfound fame comes adoration from people who can’t even pronounce your stage name correctly. “Le’Veon bell pronounced my name like ‘Caesar’ from Planet of the Apes. I truly did find that mispronunciation romantic. But it really doesn’t impress me that much. But as a huge Steeler fan what he can do to impress me is to put in greater work ethic for the Steelers next season!” SZA.

SZA has been a die-hard Steeler fan ever since 2009. As such she’s had criticism for Bell’s recent endeavors “Bell, I notice you fooling around not showing up to training camp, and your preseason hold out. Then you come back playing all rusty and taking a long time to get in your groove midway through the season. And with you trying to act like you’ll leave Pittsburgh if you aren’t paid 200 trillion dollars a second? Boy sit down. You better put in 100% next year and play. You want to impress me? Don’t threaten to leave us. I’ll only date you if you’re still a Steeler!” SZA said.

 

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SZA reveals she is a Steeler fan that refuses to date Le’Veon Bell if he plays for another team

This relationship between SZA and Bell has many people talking on whether it is even feasible. However we found it would be interesting to see what members of TDE thought.

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Kendrick Lamar (center) still laughing at Le’Veon Bell asking SZA to be his Valentine at a performance  

We asked Kendrick Lamar, Top Dawg Entertainment’s most popular figure, if Le’Veon Bell had a chance to date SZA.  “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (He inhales) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH” said Kendrick Lamar. Later that day Lamar was still laughing during a performance thinking about the potential of a Le’Veon Bell SZA coupling. 

 

So for this Valentine’s day it looks like Bell is going to have to promise to be a Steeler for his entire career if he wants SZA to be his valentine.

Pittsburgh Public Schools Superintendent Releases Diss Track to Teachers

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Superintendent Dr. Anthony Hamlet has had a controversial start ever since he was sworn-in for a 5 year term with the Pittsburgh Public Schools district. There was controversy that he had lied on his resume. There was controversy concerning how snow delays were handled during the school year. There has even been controversy due to speculation that he may be a Lil Pump fan. Now a new firestorm is brewing. On the Pittsburgh Public Schools official website Dr. Hamlet released a diss track to teachers that work for the district.

“I was just in shock to how graphic the lyrics were.” remarked 36 year old teacher Tracy Ralph. “I’ve been in this District for 12 years and I’ve never had a superintendent call me those insults before!” To many teachers like Tracy Ralph this diss track comes at a bad time, as faculty of Pittsburgh Public Schools discuss the possibility that they will strike against the district. Some see this as a tipping point concerning these tensions, the final straw.

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Dr. Hamlet in the “Had to do it to em!” pose taunting teachers of the district

 

 

“It’s all good I’m not gonna strike!” Said David Smith. He wasn’t convinced, so we played him the diss track Dr. Hamlet posted on the Pittsburgh Public Schools website. “Wait what?” Smith was in shock. After playing the entire track he had to say this,
“So where can I get my picket sign?”

 

 

 

 

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Possible leaked cover art for Dr. Hamlet’s mixtape

It is unknown if Dr. Hamlet will give a public apology on the matter. As of now Dr. Hamlet intends to release a mixtape by the end of the school year. He says revenue from his mixtape will fund the district.

 

Primanti Brothers sandwich to take flight in Red Bull Flugtag event

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In a surprise move, Primanti Brothers is launching a giant Primanti’s sandwich off the Red Bull Flugtag deck during the Three Rivers Regatta this weekend.

The iconic sandwich stacked with fries and coleslaw will take flight Saturday afternoon in the Allegheny River.

“It’s a one hundred percent real sandwich scaled to 6 feet high,” according to a statement by Primanti Brothers.

This is the first time the event is in Pittsburgh.

The event started in 2002 and takes place in different locations around the world.

Contestants build a human powered craft within Red Bull regulations and see how far it will travel after leaving the flight deck.

The current record of 258 feet was set back an event at Long Beach, California in 2013.

Primanti Brothers has not revealed how they plan to keep the sandwich together in flight.

Such challengers include a Sheetz Mozzarella Stick, a parking chair, and Bill Peduto.

“I wanted to be in a challenging competition this year, since this election is easier than finding free tickets to a Pirates game,” said Mayor Peduto.

The sandwich in flight will be the famous #2 best seller Pitts-Burgher sandwich, Primanti’s weighed several options and felt that the steak sandwich would give them the most distance.

 

Group of Scientists Find New View of Pittsburgh

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University of Pittsburgh scientists announced that they have discovered a view of the city of Pittsburgh not previously photographed.

“There are thousands of photos snapped of the city each day, it was painstakingly researched to make sure nobody else captured this particular view,” said Ben Ledermon.

Ledermon, the head researcher on the project noted that this discovery is their first discovery in over three years.

“We had several close calls, usually we would find out it had been captured hundreds of times on Instagram,” added Ledermon.

The group was in disbelief in their discovery. They wanted to bring it to the public as soon as possible but decided to err on the side of caution. They cited other views quickly becoming tourist attractions much to the dismay of neighbors.

“I already have 5 photos ready to throw up on Facebook, personally. To know this and not being able to tell my loved ones is a heavy burden to bear,’ said Rachel Miller.

When pressed for details, the group confirmed that this new view is located in the western reaches of the City of Pittsburgh.

The group is undecided when they will release the location for the masses, but they do have a rollout plan.

“Well let that Dave DiCello get the first shot of the new view. He takes some nice pictures of the city,” concluded Miller.

Pittsburgh Millennials are killing chain restaurants such as Hoss’s, King’s, and Ponderosa

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For many years, Pittsburghers could not escape the footprint left by classic chain restaurants such as Hoss’s Steak and Seafood, King’s Family Restaurant, and Ponderosa Steakhouse.

Like the large dinosaurs that once roamed the Earth, their extension is a grim reality.

Their meteor is not traveling in space, its already on the planet.

The culprit? Millennials!

They want their childhood favorites back, as evidenced by petitions to bring back Rocko’s Modern Life, Surge Soda, and Mulan themed Szechuan teriyaki McDonald’s McNugget sauce.

As much as Millennials are bringing back, they are taking away.

What they are taking away are established cultural mainstays.

“These kids don’t want a classic burger and a Frownie,” said the Ghost of Hartley King.

King’s ghost was unaware that the Frownie was discontinued after the restaurants were sold in 2015.

This leaves older generations traveling longer distances to get to their favorite restaurants or eating Olive Garden five days a week.

A small amount of the older population is adventuring to new chains such as Buffalo Wild Wings, while fewer pop into unique eateries, as evidenced by one star Yelp reviews calling the food “too spicy”.

This past March, King’s closed five restaurants in the area. Previously a Hoss’s location in Moon and a Ponderosa in Uniontown closed in January and February of 2013.

Hoss’s and Ponderosa each operate 3 locations within the region, while King’s has 30 restaurants.

Millennials seem to be more into more the convenience of Sheetz or the customization of Burgatory.

 

King tearfully added, “Chi-Chi’s was the lucky one, because Millennials would have killed them too,”